Memoir

with-this-magic-shirt

Entry #002 | Pendulum

ENTRY #002 | pendulum

After the last five months piling wood, building this magical emporium with the compliance of my shadow monkey’s, ice goblins and storm wizards, (as well as an additional five months watching the infrastructure break down due to the incompetence of my lackeys) I recently started to get some customers, real human beings, not robots, not extraterrestrial creatures, not time traveling space vikings, not chimeras, people!

The problem is no one bought anything, but they looked! They looked and— my word, they actually seemed interested in my products, though alas, some left without purchasing anything. I’m assuming I was so attractive and charismatic, the guests all felt –anxious, yes I saw in those labored eyes, those shivering fingers, their glossy stare as they met mine at the counter, the horrific glare in distress —- they were obviously intimidated by how good looking I am, and felt too nervous to talk to me, as yes, I know, I’m the best, as I, Mr. Lemon, have too much carnal and rapturous appeal for the lizard brain to handle, I do look quite tasty, very juicy indeed, so much it noticed my customers to leave simply because they didn’t feel they would stand a chance.

But then I saw the flickering light bulb swaying right above me like a pendulum. How many monkeys does it take to screw in a lightbulb, I may ask. Apparently not enough since those creaky bastards did a lousy job! Though looking closer I realized the faulty electrical wiring. It’s not up to code.

So— I decided to learn electrical engineering, it can’t be that hard, right? Many people do it, and people are stupid! So therefore if all stupid people can and DO do it, that means I can do it too, because I’m a genius, among all of those neanderthals!

I’m one step closer to saving humanity from impending doom, I will become a god who will bring this world to salvation.

Just watch me.

STAY JUICY

Mr. Lemon | Founder of CitrusKill™

with-this-magic-shirt

Entry #001 | Growing Pains

 

Entry #001 | Growing Pains

Ah yes, welcome, visitor… If you see this, then let me congratulate you, you are the bystander, the eyewitness of the creation of a masterpiece, a test, a challenge to god, my creation. If you are reading this, you are witnessing the next step to evolution, welcome, traveler to CitrusKill™, the world’s first magic t-shirt emporium…

ACK! Damn– faulty wiring… Those shadow monkeys and mosquito bats are going to be paying for this… Anyway, visitor, allow me to introduce myself, I am Mr. Lemon, the founder of this establishment. To tell you more about myself, people occasionally consider me an alturist, though I refuse to consider myself such, I only desire to make the world a better place with my t-shirts… I only desire to keep people warm and happy, give them accompaniment… Hopefully by the end of today, you will find a new friend who will stick alongside you through thick and thin…

I have work to do, and must attend to more researc–ACK–God–my foot! WHO LEFT THIS MONKEY-WRENCH ON THE FLOOR YOU DAMN IMBECILES! I swear to god, if they don’t pick up this debris, every single one of these insolent bastards are getting the pink slip.

stay juicy

Mr. Lemon | Founder of CitrusKill™